Lindsay Liberated

I'm sure all (5) of you have already heard about Lindsay Lohan’s being reprimanded, for her recent behavior in Georgia Rule’s production, via memo by James Robinson -- CEO of Morgan Creek Productions. But in case you missed it, check out the letter, as posted on The Smoking Gun.

How funny is that? For one thing, it seems that the CEO of this major production company has an assistant that doesn't know that punctuation goes inside "quotation marks." (By the way, Mr. Robinson, if you're looking for a new assistant...) For another, can a 70-year old man (or anyone for that matter) really use the word ‘bogus’ and then, "urge" to be taken seriously?

Really though, it’s a good thing he wrote this letter. Just in case the movie flops, they’ll have the perfect scapegoat with Lohan already pinned for having “endangered the quality of this picture.” It’s just too bad Matthew McConaughey hadn’t been partying a bit more during the production of Two for the Money.

Now, Morgan Creek’s had to deal with the wrath of Mama Lohan. (By the way, People Magazine, Lohan’s 20 years old. If you’re looking for a new fact checker…)

I don’t know why she’s so pissed, now. Does she think anyone’s surprised to learn that her baby girl’s a “spoiled child?” Is she worried that this blemish on her reputation will keep Maxim from paying her shit loads of money to appear in their magazine?

Don’t worry, Dina; if worse comes to worse, your “wonderful child” can always follow in Tara Reid’s footsteps and get her own reality show -- Lindsay Liberated: next season on E! That ought to keep Baby Lohan bringing home the bacon (or whatever it is you all don’t eat). I know I’d totally watch it.

the Great and Powerful Stan Lee

Am I crazy or was Who Wants to Be a Superhero awesome? Okay, I might be crazy, but I stand by this reality show's awesomeness.

Sure, it's got all the expected reality show fanfare -- the promise of that fantasy grand prize, the drawn out spectacle of elimination, the sheer production tackiness -- and all the expected reailty show characters -- the gay guy, the party girl, the tough guy. Ho hum. But it's also got Stan Lee, heading it all up. Awesome.

On top of being a producer, Lee also stars in the show as the game moderator, or whatever you call that role. He doesn't condescend to being in the same room as the super-geek contestants, though; he appears on tv screens, scattered throughout the locations, like a giant floating head, judging them and telling them what to do. Kinda freaky, but awesome.

Along with introductions (including one elimination before the game even began based on a report from the spy Rotiart, or traitor backwards, regarding some questionable intentions discovered upon those first introductions... awesome), this premiere episode focused on the first task. Lee explained to the would-be superheroes that being able to change into your costume quickly and without being seen is very important. With their brand new communicators and in their street clothes, each contestant was left in a public place. When they got the call, they leapt to find some privacy and change into their alter egos. To complete the task, alls they had to do was run to an assigned location. They thought this was about speed.

The twist: an obvious victim was planted right before the finish line. A little girl cried for help as each of them ran toward her. "Help me! I'm lost! I don't know how I ended up on a reality show! I'm only 6 years old! Where's my mommy?" (No, she didn't really say all of that... well, not with her words.) Awesome.

So, the real point was to be a hero: put the silly little contest on hold and help someone in need. Heroics aren't about speed and superhuman abilities; it's just about being a better person and doing the right thing. The more you know.

Most contestants sped by the hilariously fake cries of the poor child, but a few actually stopped to help (in some really staged ways, though that's not the point). The people that missed the kid and got the faster times were the ones in danger of elimination. What a novel concept: reward people for being nice.

In conclusion, this show was awesome because it took all your typical reality show drama and stereotypical reality show characters and gave it a sort of higher purpose with a moral lesson, while adding some extra revealing costumes and the whimsy of comic books. One last time... awesome.

With my superpsychic ability, though, I predict that the whole "be good" thing will get preachy and quickly bore television audiences. Wise as those tv execs are, the season consists of only 6 episodes, hopefully leaving little time before people get tired of the niceties. Plus, I'm sure we'll see plenty of supervillainous behavior along the way to finding that one lucky Superhero. My money's on Major Victory... but you gotta love Fat Momma.

Be there next week: same Fat Momma time, same Fat Momma channel (Thurs, 9pm EST, the SciFi Channel... check your local listings).

Dirty Pop

Depending on how on top of your pop culture you are, this all may or may not be new to you:

1) Lance Bass is gay.

Really? This is news? I was more surprised when I found out he was going into space. Sure, he put on one hell of a performance in On the Line (you know, the one with that guy and that other guy from that boy band and that girl from that show with the boys? you know, it was the one where that guy met that girl in that city and they fell in love, but then something happened and stuff was bad but then something else happened and it was so good! you know what I'm talking about), but nobody really bought the straight act.

According to the People Magazine exclusive, Joey Fatone says, "I back him up 100 percent."

That's also not news. I'm sure Fat one's been behind him for years... on all those cold lonely nights out on tour--Justin and JC out with their ladies, Chris fast asleep after his early bird dinner and resting for his early morning brisk walk around the mall before all the kiddies get there.

"The main reason I wanted to speak my mind was that (the rumors) really were starting to affect my daily life."

People cared enough to spread rumours about Lance Bass (before this announcement)? Now that's news. And I really can't wait to hear what JT has to say about this! Mmm JT.

2) Heath Ledger was offered the role of the Joker for the sequel to Batman Begins

I haven't seen Brokeback Mountain yet; so, all I know of Ledger's acting ability came from 10 Things I Hate About You (you know, the one with that guy and that girl and that other girl from that show with those kids and that other guy from that other show with those aliens and that other girl from that movie with those cheerleaders? you know, it was the one where that guy met that girl in that city and they fell in love, but then something happened and stuff was bad but then something else happened and it was so good! you know what I'm talking about). And though I rewound over and over again to watch him singing from the bleachers, I'm not sure that qualifies him for the role of Batman's archnemesis. Oh wait... I saw The Patriot and A Knight's Tale...

Well, maybe it's just a rumor.

the Business of Suri

As I was reading a "Dispatch From Beirut" on Slate.com, I noticed in the sidelines an article titled "Suri Cruise Spotted in Telluride" listed under the Business & Tech section.

Now, how could such a title be associated with Business & Tech? I imagined it would go something like this:

With Tom Cruise stock plummeting to unimagined depths, investors had hoped that the acquisition of Katie Holmes would mark the start of a resurgence, adding youth and potential to the established and wearing. It did not. Under the burden of the newly implemented "Crazy Tax," recovery from his moral bankruptcy would be nothing short of miraculous. Even with the merger resulting in the highly-anticipated new entity, Suri Cruise, Papa Tom is still floundering.

Or maybe more like this:

Suri Cruise remains in its beta stage of development, undergoing extensive testing in Telluride this week. The creation is the first of its kind, implementing the newest offerings of Scientologist technologies.

The equipment for iuvenescopy (from the Latin for "reaching the prime of life") was realized and utilized, with funding from Tom Cruise. Originally conceived of by L. Ron Hubbard, founder of Scientology, the iuvenescopy procedure was meant to induce progression towards full Operating Thetan levels.

Cruise used it to draw upon his own thetan, or spirit, as well as that of Steven Spielberg, with the intention of creating a force of limitless blockbuster proportions. The fusion of the two thetans was then implanted into the body of Katie Holmes. Incubator Holmes was stored in solitary confinement so that Suri might develop in a nearly silent environment and, in turn, reach the highest possible tone, or level of emotion, as is dictated by Scientologist beliefs.

Cruise's long-time "admiration" of Spielberg prompted the choice for partner in paternity. Spielberg was unaware of his involvement in the project. Holmes will be discarded after Suri develops out of beta stage.

As it turns out, the article was actually about how an alleged rift between Cruise and Spielberg might keep Cruise out of work, which I guess is business-related.

*Please note that the rift was not due to Spielberg being unwittingly used in a Baby Cruise experiment. As far as I know, all of that was fictional… except about the thetans, Operating Thetan, silence, tones, and Holmes’ soon being discarded--once Cruise finally admits to his long-time crush on the oh-so-charming Spielberg.

Dumb Shit

Bush: See the irony is what they need to do is get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this shit and it's over.

Oh my God! I cannot believe he said that! How could he use a word like that? How can the children grow up with a president that uses language like that!? The future will be corrupted, not by fear or war, but by such misuse of language coming from our world leaders.

I mean, he clearly doesn't even know what "irony" fucking means. And don't even get me started on his dumbass sentence structure. What a stupid shit.

Why can't I own a Canadian?

As I clearly do not keep up with writing my own blog, here's something I copied off of someone else's (who also took it from someone else, and so on and so on, I'm sure):

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,

Jim