Crazy Girls

It’s no secret that I’m a bona fide “crazy girl.” As such, I’ll go ahead and call myself an expert on the issue. With that authority, and to assist the public in dealing with this relentless “threat,” I am hereby developing an official Crazy Girl Advisory System.

Before going into the details (since they are long and you might not get all the way through), I’d like to admit that, personally, I have found myself emitting all colors of this rainbow at different points of my life. The fact is that all of us – girls and guys – have a little bit of the crazies. It’s not always bad thing (you have to be a little bit crazy to be a genius or to be creative). We should all learn to embrace that fact and remember not to judge others for past craziness. Keeping that in mind: ladies, please take responsibility for your own craziness and try to keep it toned down (but remember, a bit of well placed craziness can be fun, and lucrative, when used properly). To those that love us crazy girls, good luck… and remember: we’re worth it.

Code Red – severe level crazy girl advisory

Example of a code red girl: Girl A claimed that someone from her past was after her. She returned to her dorm room one night with the guy she was dating at the time. Upon entry, she noticed the place was disheveled and panicked under the assumption that the person from her past had found her and been there. She asked to borrow her date’s cell phone to report the issue. He watched her pace the room and report her concerns in a whirlwind of distress.
The guy later, upon investigation of his phone, discovered that she had never dialed a complete number to make the alleged call. He also claimed that he did not notice a difference in the state of her dorm room from the time they left to the time they returned.

How to deal with a code red girl:
Be prepared to shelter-in-place or evacuate, as necessary.
Expect uncontrollable emotional explosions, insane lies, and other extreme expressions of craziness.
Back away slowly, maintaining eye contact.
Do not make any sudden movements or loud noises.

Code Orange – high-risk crazy girl advisory

Example of a code orange girl: Girl S finally got to kiss a long-time crush in a drunken haze. They parted ways that night. For a couple weeks after, she proceeded to call him over and over and over again, trying to set up a second encounter. She left him messages on AIM, asking why he was ignoring her and what he wanted from her. He ignored and avoided her. Eventually, she took the hint and left him alone.

How to deal with a code orange girl:
Exercise caution in public places and gatherings.
Be sure to screen all phone calls.
Warn friends and family members to not discuss your whereabouts or your availability.
Be patient. She will stop… eventually.

Code Yellow – elevated risk crazy girl advisory

Example of a code yellow girl: Girl E gets into a fight with her boyfriend. In front of witnesses, she yells at him, calling him fat and ugly, and exclaims, “Nobody likes you!” In response to his yelling back, she rips the glasses from his face and crushes them in the palm of her hand.

How to deal with a code yellow girl, if you want to keep seeing her:
Do not engage in her crazy antics.
Exercise control, using soft tones and gentle words.
Do not make physical contact.
Be prepared to grovel and apologize, even if allegedly unnecessary.

How to deal with a code yellow girl, if you do not want to keep seeing her:
Tell her you do not want to keep seeing her.

Code Green – guarded risk crazy girl advisory

Example of a code green girl: Girl P is dating Guy T. They meet up for a bar crawl with a large group of friends. Girl P proceeds to drink excessively to the point where she is jumping on guys in the middle of the streets for piggyback rides, despite the fact that she is wearing a short skirt and a thong. It is daytime and everything is highly visible. Additionally, she treats his female friends like they are vultures just waiting to pounce on the remains of her prey, Guy T. Hypocritically, she flirts with anyone in the position to get her another beer.

How to deal with a code green girl, if you want to keep seeing her:
Watch and be entertained.
Do not take her craziness too seriously. She is harmless.
Be reassuring and attentive.

How to deal with a code green girl, if you do not want to keep seeing her:
Tell her you do not want to keep seeing her.

Code Blue – low risk crazy girl advisory

Example of a code blue girl: Almost every girl you and I have ever met. She can get jealous of your exes, your female friends, and occasionally celebrities and/or fictional characters you have crushes on. She might be considered needy, demanding, and high maintenance. She wants you to call her, talk to her, and hang out with her whenever possible. She may tell you that you should do whatever you want, but she doesn’t mean it. She thinks she’s fat and/or ugly. She needs affection, praise and love.

How to deal with a code blue girl, if you want to keep seeing her:
Remain understanding.
Appreciate her, craziness and all.
Tell her she’s not fat, ugly, or crazy.

How to deal with a code blue girl, if you do not want to keep seeing her:
Tell her you do not want to keep seeing her.

*Please note: all examples are only vaguely true. Stories have been embellished for effect. Also, boys, notice that the way to get rid of an unwanted girl is to be honest and straightforward. Lastly, there is no option for “if you want to keep seeing her” available for code red and orange girls because I have never heard of any such cases in which that might be a desired option.