the Business of Suri

As I was reading a "Dispatch From Beirut" on Slate.com, I noticed in the sidelines an article titled "Suri Cruise Spotted in Telluride" listed under the Business & Tech section.

Now, how could such a title be associated with Business & Tech? I imagined it would go something like this:

With Tom Cruise stock plummeting to unimagined depths, investors had hoped that the acquisition of Katie Holmes would mark the start of a resurgence, adding youth and potential to the established and wearing. It did not. Under the burden of the newly implemented "Crazy Tax," recovery from his moral bankruptcy would be nothing short of miraculous. Even with the merger resulting in the highly-anticipated new entity, Suri Cruise, Papa Tom is still floundering.

Or maybe more like this:

Suri Cruise remains in its beta stage of development, undergoing extensive testing in Telluride this week. The creation is the first of its kind, implementing the newest offerings of Scientologist technologies.

The equipment for iuvenescopy (from the Latin for "reaching the prime of life") was realized and utilized, with funding from Tom Cruise. Originally conceived of by L. Ron Hubbard, founder of Scientology, the iuvenescopy procedure was meant to induce progression towards full Operating Thetan levels.

Cruise used it to draw upon his own thetan, or spirit, as well as that of Steven Spielberg, with the intention of creating a force of limitless blockbuster proportions. The fusion of the two thetans was then implanted into the body of Katie Holmes. Incubator Holmes was stored in solitary confinement so that Suri might develop in a nearly silent environment and, in turn, reach the highest possible tone, or level of emotion, as is dictated by Scientologist beliefs.

Cruise's long-time "admiration" of Spielberg prompted the choice for partner in paternity. Spielberg was unaware of his involvement in the project. Holmes will be discarded after Suri develops out of beta stage.

As it turns out, the article was actually about how an alleged rift between Cruise and Spielberg might keep Cruise out of work, which I guess is business-related.

*Please note that the rift was not due to Spielberg being unwittingly used in a Baby Cruise experiment. As far as I know, all of that was fictional… except about the thetans, Operating Thetan, silence, tones, and Holmes’ soon being discarded--once Cruise finally admits to his long-time crush on the oh-so-charming Spielberg.