*warning* extreme depression

Whew, those lists are long. I need a break from them.

I was just IMing with my friend (it's a wonder that I get any work done, but I do really) and he has a tendency of putting me down when he just means to kid. So, now I'm depressed (... especially given that one of my co-workers also seems really depressed. It's a freaking epidemic, I swear).

So, is this what I was meant for? I do the daily grind thing. Wake up, go to work, go home, go to sleep. Blessings galore: decently paying job, loving family, good friends here and there, tip top physical health. But is this it?

I've been known to be most depressed when there is nothing wrong. Because when there is nothing wrong, I fear that this is as good as it gets. At least when the sky is falling, you can look forward to the day the rubble will be cleared away.

Here I am, sky in tact, watching the clock, waiting for my life to move on... to what? I have the sound byte like anyone else: I'm applying to journalism school. The girl next to me is a paper away from having her master's. Over there, she's waiting for her politician friend to hit the campaign trail. It seems like when you're in your 20s, you're stuck at the station and the train going nowhere's always late.

And what a shitty station it is.

more me... in list form

HAVE YOU EVER
1. Kissed your cousin: On the cheek. Anything besides that... you are gross just for asking, you perverted invisible list maker you.
2. Ran away: When I was really little, I told my sister, Cheryl, I wanted to run away from home. She said, "Okay, but you'll have to pack first." She took out my tiny red suitcase and helped me get it all packed up. She said, "I'll go with you." She took my hand and strutted out the front door. Leading me around our next door neighbor's house, she said, "We'll have to pick a really nice house with a really nice family to live with next." Entering the very front door we just exited, she said, "This place looks perfect! I bet the family here is really nice and will take really good care of us." We've lived with them ever since.
3. Skipped school: Never in high school. And it doesn't count in college, right? Isn't skipping class just called "sleeping" once you hit college?
4. Broken someone's heart: I've heard that I might have. But you know, once he's dumped, I don't listen to him at all afterwards.... haha jk!
5. Been in love: Or at least something a lot like it. (I just watched A Lot Like Love... I enjoyed it and might recommend it, but don't blame me if you don't like it.)
6. Cried when someone died?: Of course. Even I'm not that heartless.
7. Wanted someone you knew you couldn't have: Every day of my life. Oh Michael Vartan... you will give one day and you will be mine!
8. Broken a bone: I kind of broke my ankle once. It was that bone that doesn't really move anyway. So I didn't need a cast and that's why it was "kind of" broken.
9. Done something embarrassing: All the time!
10. Done a drug: indeed
11. Cried in school: I think there might have been a bathroom stall named after me.

WHICH IS BETTER
12. Coke or Pepsi: Coke
13. Sprite or 7UP: Sprite
14. Girls or Guys: girls rule, boys drool!
15. Flowers or Candy: mmm candy
16. Blondes or Brunettes: Blondes may have more fun, but brunettes have more power.
17. Bitchy or Slutty: bitchy = fun
18. Tall or Short: i like being shorter because i like boys to be taller than me.
19. Pants or Shorts: pants... so i don't have to shave my legs
20. Night or Day: night

WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX
21. What do you notice first: Everyone always answers the same thing for this question. I'm gonna dig deeper and say... ass and adam's apple.
22. Last person you slow danced with: Hodas, but really it was a hug in motion.
23. Worst Question To Ask: There are too many to choose from.

THE LAST TIME YOU
24. Kissed: yesterday
25. Showered: yesterday (but not at the same time as the kissing... pervert)
26. Stepped outside: 10ish am

... but wait there's more to come...

birthday

My birthday's coming up (it's Thursday, September 1st for anyone who didn't know). Though I am incredibly bad at remembering everyone else's birthday (sorry Ella Grace... you can't read this yet, but you've only had two birthdays and i've forgotten to call on both... please don't resent me when you're old enough to resent), I am also incredibly sensitive about other people forgetting my own birthday. I know, I'm a hypocrite, but if you don't call on my birthday, you slip down a few notches on my list of friends (yes, i keep a list, in which people are ranked and categorized).

Because of this extrafine case of sensitivity, I can't decide how to handle the upcoming event. Should I throw myself a humongous party? Or should I hide under my covers all weekend and watch Buffy on repeat? (I'm currently leaning toward the latter.)

I considered having a small dinner party with just my closest friends, but then that became a whole other issue. Let us recall the recently mentioned list of friends. From a list that includes categories such as long-distance, real, good, best, close-but-not-often-seen, close while intoxicated, work, drinking, and responsible; how does one choose who would be invited to a small dinner party?

The problem with having a humongous party is that it never ends up being humongous. I get all torn up about who to invite to things, but then the same three to five people are the only ones I can ever count on showing up (hi guys!). So, then I end up under the covers watching Buffy the rest of the weekend anyway... but in this scenario, I'm also fighting off a nasty hangover and a bout of depression.

I should remember all this for next year to avoid all the stressing and trying to figure out what to do. Birthdays will always and unavoidably suck. Every year, I should just plan on having a date with Buffy and my comforter.

Death By Computer Game

Death By Computer Game

Here's the real life story of the 40-year old virigin (excellent and hilarious movie, btw, which you should all go out and see), except this guy died a 28-year old. It would be incredibly funny if it wasn't so incredibly sad... except it's still pretty damned funny (or am I really just about one of the most morbid people alive?.. hehe alive). I love that this guy is also Asian... so typical. Anyway, cyberkids, let this be a lesson for all of you: while we all knew that playing too many computer games might end your love life, it seems it might just end your entire life as well.

Fat of the News

Fatty Fat Fat Gets Feelings Hurt

Come on! First thing, lady, knowing you're gonna file a complaint against a doctor for telling you you're overweight, I feel I must ask you to please not eat me or something for telling you this: you're stupid too. How about you stop exerting all that energy into being an irrational bitch and use it to drop a couple hundred pounds instead? If the big mean doc made you cry, good! It might help you burn some calories.

Second thing, New Hampshire Board of Medicine, let's be honest. What you really want to/should tell this woman is: "Slowly, now, put down the Big-Mac, listen to the nice doctor man and here's a list of a few shrinks that might have some other things to tell you about yourself that you should already know. We've got better things to do with our time, fatty!"

And cue the music for this lady's reprise!

Modern, Cool Nerd

Modern, Cool Nerd 73 % Nerd, 56% Geek, 47% Dork

For The Record: A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia. A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one. A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions. You scored better than half in Nerd and Geek, earning you the title of: Modern, Cool Nerd. Nerds didn't use to be cool, but in the 90's that all changed. It used to be that, if you were a computer expert, you had to wear plaid or a pocket protector or suspenders or something that announced to the world that you couldn't quite fit in. Not anymore. Now, the intelligent and geeky have eeked out for themselves a modicrum of respect at the very least, and "geek is chic." The Modern, Cool Nerd is intelligent, knowledgable and always the person to call in a crisis (needing computer advice/an arcane bit of trivia knowledge). They are the one you want as your lifeline in Who Wants to Be a Millionaire (or the one up there, winning the million bucks)! Congratulations!

You scored higher than 80% on geekosity







You scored higher than 79% on dork points

Link: The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test written by donathos on OkCupid Free Online Dating

stupid sexy alcohol

Actually, it's not the alcohol I have a problem with; it's the hangover. As in the hangover I'm drudging through right now.

Last night I went to dinner with my friend Katy (that's not a typo) at Circle Bistro. It was a great dinner and I'd never been there before. I love going to new restaurants... well new to me anyway. We split a bottle of Zinfandel there and I immediately turned bright red. I know no one believes me, but I haven't been drinking as much as I used to. And I'm a bit on the small side. So, the tolerance is not at its peak at the moment.

Still, that didn't stop us from crossing the circle and dropping in on Hodas, who is the bartender at the Frog for those that didn't know. We proceeded to drink cheap beer. When your boyfriend is the bartender, it can be dangerous because you don't pay for ANYTHING and your cup is miraculously always full.

Needless to say, I'm hurtin' right now. I'm sure a nap on the plane to Kansas will make everything better. And then Kansas with all the loving family will be great! I'm excited to go. I want to leave now. Bye!

My Buffy Personality =o)= <--- those are fangs

Spike 63% amorality, 81% passion, 45% spirituality, 63% selflessness

Ruthless, passionate, ravenous and--when it comes to it--devoted to those you love. Sound okay? Sounds like Spike, a character at times a hero and others a villain, but always compelling, dynamic and driven. Based on the results of this test, you're like Spike in every way but the fangs. Congratulations!

Link: The 4-Variable Buffy Personality Test written by donathos on Ok Cupid

good morning

Coming into the office this morning, this woman walked into the building in front of me. She kind of held the door open for me, I guess, but really she just opened the door for her and it stayed open for me due to the laws of physics or something. We then both got onto the elevator and she said, "Usually when someone holds the door open for me, I say thank you. But I guess not everyone does that." I was surprised and said, "Excuse me." She repeated herself. And I apologized. To which she replied, "Oh no, it's okay. I guess not everyone's, you know, polite. Oh well, maybe next time." The strangest part was that we were both smiling the whole time. When I got off the elevator, I said, "Have a nice day," because I didn't know what to do.

Now, I'm sad. I'm not impolite.

This totally reminds me of something my mother would do. Being all righteous to a total stranger. Thinking she can dictate or at least judge everyone else's behavior. My mom's not as bad as this woman, but maybe I just have a different perspective on my mom.

I was having a good morning otherwise. But now, I'm sad.

Return to Oz

(this entry can also be viewed in My Inside Voice (link in sidebar)... sorry for the repetition for some of you)

This weekend I will be returning to the merry old land of Oz, or in reality Kansas. I'm very excited since I haven't seen the Baker family in quite some time. The Baker family includes: my brother-in-law (Bruce), my eldest sister (Michelle), my almost 5-year-old nephew (Gregory), and my newly-2-year-old neice (Ella). It was just Bruce and Michelle's anniversary along with being Ella's birthday. I forgot to call on both days because I'm a horrible person.

Family aside, Kansas is an interesting place to visit, albeit unexpected and, to many, undesired. For one thing, people are nice. They smile and make conversation... even if you don't know them. I went into a hallmark card shop (the place is riddled with hallmark stores) expecting to pick something up quickly and maybe get a mumbled, "Have a nice day," from some girl that dropped out of high school because she's pregnant with her cousin's baby. But this 5 minute errand turned into a 20 minute tea time as the little old lady behind the register inquired about my entire life story. Upon my departure, she sincerely wished me good luck with my schooling and told me she could tell I would be a great success someday (I think I wanted to be a lawyer at that point). It was erie... but really nice and uplifting.

Some other things about Kansas: good steak and BBQ; very flat; yes, there are twisters relatively often and no, I've never seen Dorothy or Toto.

Now, in the Kansas news you might recall that back in 1999, the issue of teaching evolution in public schools was challenged... to put it nicely. To put it honestly, those Kansas folk, I tell you hwhat, don't want their youngins hearin' no talk 'bout no evamolution... goin' against their God and all. I mean, really, science has no place in the schoolhouse... umm wait, what? Oh well, at least that was back in 1999 and evolution was brought back for good. Or was it?

It seems that the spinners and shakers we all love to hate (aka the Bush administration and their adoring fans and patsies) have put "intelligent design" on the table in an epic battle against the lovechild of science and satanism that is evolution.

"I think that part of education is to expose people to different schools of thought," Mr. Bush said. "You're asking me whether or not people ought to be exposed to different ideas, the answer is yes."

(Firstly, note that to a multiple choice question posed to himself, Bush answered "yes.") Cleverly disguised as open-mindedness, Bush's rhetoric argues for the inclusion of intelligent design with the standard science curriculum. If this is the argument, perhaps there should also be a school standard to include teaching the definition and proper usage of the phrase "baby mama" in grammar class. [As in: baby mama (n), the biological mother of a child; I had to take off from work today because my baby mama dropped the kid off with me while she went to rehab.] It is currently as widely accepted in colloquial language as intelligent design is accepted as "scientific theory," probably even moreso.

As reported in the aforementioned article, the Kansas Board of Education voted 6-4 in favor of intelligent design. Arguing that this debate, which fundamentally comes down to the classic science versus religion, belongs in a classroom, John Bacon, former school board member, says, "These are public schools funded by public dollars, and public children attend them, and so I think this debate does belong here."

Yes, these are public children. Meaning they belong to the public? And yes, instead of learning what has already withstood the test of time to remain a scientific theory, I want these public children to debate an issue which has not yet been resolved by professional "intelligent" adults throughout the ages.

Dear sweet Kansas, thank you for raising the bar in Christian terms and lowering it in intellectual terms. To be fair, the final vote on this issue has not officially passed; so don't judge the Kansas board of education quite yet. Besides, their BBQ is REALLY GREAT!!

relocation

Hey Kyaeira... and any other random person that might happen unto this blog.

I have another location for blogging, which is where I usually post. But I am getting irritated by a couple of things occurring with that blog.

There is an alert, which I cannot control, that goes out to everyone on my list of friends, telling them that I've updated my blog. This leads to traffic from people who generally wouldn't read it. Which is fine I suppose. Being that I want to be a writer, I should probably be more comfortable with random people reading my stuff. However, since I do want to be a writer, if I know that many people will be reading it, it makes me more reluctant to just post anything without editing it over and over and over again. See the dilemma?

In my relocation, I considered leaving a message on the aforementioned blog to let people know I've moved... but I think I might put off doing that for a little while. I think I'd like to have this be my sort-of-secret blog for a bit at least.